wedding bells

"i will" these were the words i heard uttered yesterday afternoon by two of the most happy newly wed couples i've seen in my lifetime.

I may have attended but only a few weddings during my 25 years, this the first that moved me, amazed me, astonished me because of its pureness and holiness, as to its entire meaning of what a wedding is all about and should be, one that moved me to begin a series of wedding blogs (as i feel that i would be attending more weddings at this age).

Most of us girls, if not all, would/(actually)are dreaming of a perfect wedding to the guy of our dreams, one that could sweep us off our feet, would cry for us... but off course, we are well aware that these men are most often products of romantic novels which are also produces of the creative mind of women. In short they are fiction characters perfected by dreams. One in a million. :)

Perfect guy, is but relative to each and every lady. But how to find one is the question. I always believed in prayer, and i have seen yesterday a miracle in the form of a union between two successful, simple, prayerful, healthy, happy couple. You may say that most of us would go sour graping by now because it seemed too good to be true and only applicable to scenarios as theirs. But I am not talking about money, status and beauty. I am referring more to the human persons who got married yesterday, and how well they found themselves suitable to the environment they are born to.

" you have accepted me for who i am... i will be looking forward to be the mother of your children, to the life we will have together.."

To explain in detail all that i have experienced yesterday is simply difficult, hehehe... it was wonderful, not the wedding nor the reception, nor the people, it was the existence of such union amidst this chaotic, uncertain, hypocrit, difficult world.

I have only to say this simple yet profound realization, affirmation rather, if we wait, prayerfully wait, do our jobs/roles well, fill our hearts with love, cleans ourselves from within, accept ourselves for who we are, no matter what our lots are, our prayerful waiting will be rewarded. And these rewards? they do come in funny, weird, sometimes obvious packages.

We are all, will always be rewarded well... I may not receive the same gifts both Earlyn and Keith got from the Lord. But if i truly believe, have faith, accept God's will... in the end all will fall in to place...

Hopefull me... :)

reconcile this

would you call it amazing, if one person has more than two different personalities? can one coin have four sides? how does it work... is there any one else out there? that this four sided coin can relate to, lest it feels afraid to meet the world? it there anyone out there who can relate to a compass spinning in different directions?

i once asked a friend, a gemini friend, why is he different when he is with this set of people than he is with another? i thought he was a politician, but he told me "this is just who i am" and it taught me that it is possible to be different to different set of people, it goes to show your flexibility as person without getting lost in the process. That is just you, an adoptable, friendly, sociable being... am i that then? need to get a hold of myself.... because, i was once that, and was once proud of my flexibility.. i've got the best of both worlds, and a four-sided coin, i just need earth to keep me rooted... i need to get back to myself, nd still be happy bout it....

lesson for today, one:

im sorry... other than to my friends, to my mom, to my family and to myself and God. Im sorry, to the one person in the world i never thought of hurting.. i have realized one thing... however much i keep telling myself that i am an angel and that i strive to be good with a halo... im not, was never... without it i am nothing, that is why i strive to be good... it is the only thing i have left... honestly... But i realized that ican never be... it is a fact i am acknowledging.. i must live with myself.. and whoever i am...

there is no way in this world that one can possibly not hurt anyone, it breaks my heart to know that, my ignorance has caused hurt, i was too pre occupied trying too hard not to cause trouble for anyone, either way i still did it... i will be hurting many more people in the future with or without my knowledge, i would have to accept that i am just human... :(

im sorry... i never thought nor imagined that i have hurt you... i never meant to... im sorry di...

this episode in my life has caused far too many hurt already, i hope it doesn't reach the point of hurting my mother, i just can't bear it anymore if that should happen... this better produce a better me... im sorry...

less one.. :)

im feeling the feel of missing right now, missing without fearing the act of missing itself, if you get what i mean. i can miss, and still be happy about it, i can think "bittersweet" without crying lmy head and heart about it.

that's one fear less, if you know what i mean, somehow im near being me again... one day soon, maybe just one day soon, in God's time...

Perhaps this is the effect/product/symptom of HOPE.. as has always moved me to live on ever since i grew a mind of my own, perhaps one day soon, i'll be whole again and much more.. :)

live on...

life is a battle, we will forever struggle, we can never erase what's done. If i had the power to turn back time, i would not even know what to change about my past 5 years... so i deem it accepeted, difficult on some days, tolerable half the time, and the rest? a blurry of fear and confusions, but with a glimmer of hope. HOPE. That in itself relieves the coward in me.

So i wake up each morning, fear gripping my heart, despair taking its initial hold, but sometime within the day, after much much battle, pep-talk, and rationalization with the forgetful self. I strive and thrive on each minute, on memories, on the wee bit knowledge and understanding i have about life, humbled at the realization that i am just me, and He is up there, way way bigger than i am. And on the promise He has and faith on the life He has set for me.

Small as i am, i am loved by Him, and i am proud though in the littlest realization of who i am, and why i am. I am no proud of how proud i have had become, rather i am humbled by Him who knows all things.

There is no definite answer to our questions, so i leave it all up to Him. To ask for forgiveness, acceptance, strength, patience, wisdom, for all that He has set up for me. That is my only strength in living. We can never have all that we want, consider it fortunate if one or two wishes are granted.

Anticipate life, live on...